A Catalyst, a Spark, and the Fire Within

WARNING: this is real talk that could completely change your opinion of me. read at your own risk.

today, a spark within me lit a fire, and man o man did i need some fire. before i talk about the spark or the fire, i have to explain the circumstances leading up to it first.

since moving to louisiana, i haven’t taught much yoga in studios but i started this website to share yoga with anyone anywhere. i’ve spent months building this website and countless hours recording, editing and posting videos. everything that could possibly go wrong has and at the moment (and for the last 3 weeks) i’m at a standstill with my support team that has left my site unable to add new members in any way, shape, or form. it’s terribly frustrating because i have made such little money for all the effort i put into this site and now that i’m ready to let her rip and advertise to the world (and by the grace of god make a little money) … it’s broken.

so for the last 2 months or so, with things going on completely out of my control, i have felt so very out of control. the fire inside me has been dwindling and the last week it has felt as if my fire went completely out. i’ve been job searching for anything so that i can figure out a way for my time to make me money. i’ve been reverting back to old habits that took me years to break, losing site of my purpose and heart’s desire, and losing my balance grasping into thin air for something steady to hang on to.

today, thank the uni, the alchemist and baby jesus, my feet found the ground.

no… my website is still not working!!!!!! (<— i can say this out loud completely calm but on the inside there are a lot of exclamation points). things aren’t all back to being in my control. but one thing is… my yoga practice. which is weird because i didn’t know it was out of my control but i knew i wasn’t enjoying it as much and i have been having a hard time showing up on my mat.

it has taken 7 years to create a yoga practice that is just right for me. and since moving to louisiana, i sacrificed my practice to others without even knowing it. i want to teach in studios here and because i feel like my practice is so different from others, i actually tried to get my practice to “fit it”. what the cuss is that?! i don’t even know how it happened but it did, and in doing that, my flame burnt out right under my nose.

yesterday felt like i was smelling the smoke from my burnt out fire, i hit the bottom of this little hole i’ve been falling in, and i was terribly uncomfortable in my own skin. today, a catalyst made up of a few powerful ingredients sparked something in me, lit my flame and woke me up.

i drug myself to a yoga class with a teacher new to teaching (which i admit i often avoid) because there is just something about her that REALLY inspires me to be me. she was ingredient number 3 of 4 of the catalyst that created that spark.

the first ingredient came from me, i want to make money not because i NEED it, but because i want to go on a trip in a few months and i need money to do it. last night before bed, i let go of the need to go on that trip. this is a big deal because i was carrying a whole lot of weight by intending to MAKE this happen.

ingredient 2 of 4 was HUGE for me. i let go of the worlds judgement on my use of marijuana as medicine. i have had a habit and addiction to marijuana for years and never wanted to, or chose to stop using it because: for one, i didn’t think i was “really” addicted, two, because i didn’t want to stop and three, because i truly find it to be medicinal for me. a little over a month ago i decided it was ok to label myself as a drug addict since i was acting like one, and i realized my using marijuana had turned completely into a habit so i stopped using it altogether. my intention was never to stop indefinitely, but to stop and see the impact it had on me.

there isn’t one thing that prevented me from using MJ the last 30 days other than me. so while i felt completely out of control yesterday, the truth is, i was very in control of something BIG in myself that i had NO control over for years and years and years. i spent 30 days watching myself want it, need it and not have it at all. i learned so much about it’s effect on me and how i can truly use it as medicine but ONLY if i have control of my usage/dosage and don’t let it form into a habit or addiction. so because i have felt such control over my habit/addiction for over 4 weeks, i decided i could allow myself to try using it today ONLY as medicine. one awesome way it works for me is similar to the way ridalin (sp?) works for a so called “hyper active” human. it helps me focus when i have a task at hand. today i let go of my own judgments as well as others on my using marijuana. by sharing these words and the truth about what some might call my “drug use”, i embrace that it’s ok to use the medicine of my choice, no matter what form it comes in and with or without a legal prescription.

today, i chose to use MJ before going to practice yoga. since my fire has been dwindling, my yoga practice has been unfocused, unloved and unappreciated and more than anything i needed ME and ALL of my focus today. that leads me to the 4th ingredient of the catalyst that ignited the spark that lit my flame: my yoga practice.

i showed up, a lil stoned from my medicine, late as usual, at the bottom of my “i’m out of control” pit, just having freed myself from two big ol weights and i’m guided by a teacher i really dig, to do a practice i’m sick of — “the way it works for me”. and so rather than trying to “fit in” and go with fast breath and movement cues which really don’t feel good for me, and doing all the poses mentioned because the people behind me might be distracted if i do something different, i just practiced yoga — “the way it works for me”. that’s when it clicked: i stopped “obeying” the yoga teacher as if there are actual “rules” in yoga, I stopped letting my self-conscious, approval-needing ego run the show and started listening to my guides – my inner teacher first THEN the yoga instruction. i was no longer in a perpetual state of “grasping” for things i don’t have and i was no longer trying to make myself “fit in”. i was just being me, in all my uniqueness, in all my penniless glory, in my body listening to all the lil hitches in my giddy-up and responding in a way that only my inner teacher can show me to.

by the end of the class, i no longer felt the things out of my control sweeping my feet out from under me because my feet were strongly rooted to the earth, to this life, and everything it contains. thank the gods for lessons learned, for time to experience both sides of every coin, and to all the humans that came before me and chose to listen to their hearts rather than the opinions of others — i can feel me and my power once again. i am reenergized to do the work i came here to do, the work that fulfills my purpose. hallelujah. <3


2 thoughts on “A Catalyst, a Spark, and the Fire Within”

  1. Thank you for being brave and being vulnerable and sharing your story. It can be the hardest thing EVER to bare our souls and tell our story when we know everyone has an opinion, a judgement, a comment, especially in today’s crazy social media society. It can be so difficult to even admit things to ourselves, much less to put it in writing out to the world. You are a constant inspiration to me, and an excellent reminder to stand in my power, believe in myself and to let the haters hate. Because there are people out there who will understand me and connect with me and those will be authentic relationships that truly have meaning. You are awesome!

    1. Thank you Vivian. That sweet message pulled a tear out of me. I really appreciate your support, and your taking the time to let me know how this post in particular made you feel. It was a difficult one to post but it ultimately felt necessary to truly let go and to truly be me. Thank you again, your words have lifted me up and I’m so grateful to still have you around in my life even if we don’t get to see each other.

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