Light as a feather, bright as a lighthouse

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33 year old me decided she wants bangs like 5 year old me used to have. This got me thinkin about being 5 and every year in between then and now. At 5 the worries were few, the giggles were nothing but genuine and my faith was strong. By faith I mean, I felt safe with little fear, I believed everything would be ok even though that wasn’t a conscious thought I had. When I was 5 humanity was only good, I had no sense of the negative things humanity is capable of (even though the cartoons were trying to tell me). I also had no sense of how complicated living on this planet could be.

In the space between when I was 5 and now my eyes have been opened to more than I could imagine existed at 5. I’ve worried about things I fear and I’ve lost sleep over things I made up in my head. I’ve worried about what people think of me, I’ve worried about the many choices Ive made, I’ve worried about the choices other people have made, I’ve even worried about the things we didn’t choose. I’ve worried about not being loved, and I’ve worried about not having someone to love.

I find many things humorous, there’s always something in any given moment that can make me smile but child-like uncontrollable giggle laughter has lessened more and more throughout the years. These days I only get a deep belly laugh from time to time. Since 5, I have become more serious and have laughed at fewer and fewer things. Since then I’ve even developed a phony laugh for when I want people to think I think it’s funny. Every time I catch myself doing the phony laugh I get mad at myself. And every time I eat magic (aka poisonous) mushrooms I giggle like a jovial 5 year old for hours.

Since I was 5 my faith has risen and fallen in countless waves from my not believing in anything good at all to feeling like I could walk off a cliff and a yellow brick road would appear under my feet. I’ve had many moments of despair and a few moments of deep surrender. But my greatest test of faith lies in people. I’ve had varying opinions and fluctuating thoughts about the humans of the earth. I’ve hated everyone, but I’ve fallen in love with complete strangers. I’ve loved everyone, but despised someone I called my friend. I’ve misunderstood, shunned, and lashed out at people yet been kind on a regular basis. I’ve passive aggressively pushed people out of my life yet I have enough compassion to understand almost everyone. I have been disappointed in people over and over and over again but I still have faith in mankind.

There’s been moments that have swept me off my feet and held me upside down. Many times I’ve had to refocus and start to see things from that upside down point of view. I’ve had moments I felt I couldn’t trust my own brain and I couldn’t hear my own hearts desire. In many instances I’ve felt strong with my feet steady on the ground, confident and ready for anything life might throw at me. But sometimes I get really comfortable and very attached to things as they are. So attached, that the experience of detachment felt like it ripped part of my heart out. I’ve had moments where everything my heart had to say was loud and clear. Then moments I was going through the muck and everything my heart said was muffled or indecipherable.

I’ve had many moments where I doubted myself, my abilities and my own knowledge. There’s also been many times that I have been my own greatest cheerleader, teacher and friend. I’ve felt the paralyzing detriment of fear. I’ve felt the warmth of unconditional love, the power of self love and the truth that I need way more of the latter on a daily basis. I’ve been depressed, deflated, flattened and worthless but I’ve picked myself back up with the many tools I’ve collected for my own empowerment and enlightenment. I’ve become my own light to shine in my own darkness. I’ve taken control of the life I thought wasn’t really mine to have.

And with all this experience under my belt, I’ve come to be more like the 5 year old me again that I had lost touch with between then and now. My worries are few because my faith is so strong. Not only do I believe everything will be ok, I believe, despite the good, the bad, the ugly and peoples opinions of it all, that everything that ever has been, everything that is now, and everything that ever will be, is just perfect as it is and as it comes. I can giggle at everything because life is so peculiar and funny again. My thoughts on humanity are that I know what humans are capable of, extreme good as well as extreme evil. Keeping every possibility in mind, I still have great hope that good will triumph and humans will continue to grow, adapt and evolve within and without destruction and change. And even though since the age of 5 I have seen the complexities that “life” is made up of, I’ve come back around and it’s all so simple again. All there is to do is show up, do my best, and surrender the outcome. That’s how you become light as a feather and as bright as a lighthouse, just like a 5 year old.

 

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